User talk:Syme1984
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the Rain over the Colony page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! EmpyrealInvective (talk) 09:58, December 20, 2014 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 13:10, December 20, 2014 (UTC) Story.. Starting with the smaller issues. Your paragraphs need to be more broken up. (Five to seven sentences per paragraph.) Additionally if you use a complete sentence in parenthetical, you should include punctuation inside. "(Panic buying I suppose(comma missing) these Australians aren't used to long periods of rain(period missing))" Onto the larger issues. Grammar: (it's=it is, its=possession) "it's (its) founding...", "...something about it's (its) tattered...", "found within it's (its) thick cream..." There are punctuation issues. Commas missing in a number of places where a pause in flow is indicated. "Even in the Winter(,) rain is infrequent...", "Upon closer inspection(,) I found it was a rather disturbing account of two days in which there was rain.", "(Panic buying I suppose(comma missing) these Australians aren't used to long periods of rain(period missing))", etc. Periods missing from abbreviations. "Mr(.) Schmidt officially died on April 6th(,) 1913 at age 54." Minor wording issues. "I closed the curtains and trudged up to my room before sinking into a restless, haunted sleep, (with/hearing) the sound of rain on the roof.", " I decided to visit Ernst in (on) Cable Street.", "Inside (there was) no body, but a lot more blood." (additionally "a lot more blood" seems out of place with the way the diary writer talks.), "It (I,) at once without even a second thought jumped from the window." Plot issues were what lead to the deletion however. The entries feel rushed. You introduce the monster very early, which would be fine if there was more tension/build-up. Additionally Schmidt's entries at the end: "I don't know how much longer I have left." has become overused in diary/journal stories. He's panicked about the rain man, but he takes the time to sit down and write an entry? It worked in some of Lovecraft's stories because the reader knows how hopeless the situation is (i.e. "The Hound"), but here it seems out of place. Schmidt just jumped out of a window to evade the rain man and now he's sitting down and waiting for his end. It seems out of place, if the encounters were more prolonged/frequent, I may buy into this, but as it stands, it just seems off. Additionally the rain man needs some more detail. He has yellowish eyes, black stringy hair, and long fingers. A little more might help differentiate him from the deluge of otherworldly beings that stalk people in these types of stories. Finally, how does the protagonist get this information about Schmidt's death? (Mainly about the 8 pints of blood and the specifics of his death.) He's in a library and he stumbles across a few journal entries. I assume no one tacked an addendum onto the entries, if they did, why? There's quite a number of issues here that need to be addressed. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 15:49, December 24, 2014 (UTC)